2 months? Damn!

Obviously nothing has really been going on. That or I've been extremely lazy in posting.

Logan's Birthday was in March. My grandmother paid for swimming lessons which finished just this past Saturday. Logan doesn't float very well so he had some trouble with some of the skill needed to make it to level 3. We have a membership at the YMCA so we can go swimming and he can keep practicing.

Carrie's been doing fairly well. She sold her scooter and bought a cane. This means she has to walk more (which is what the Dr has said) and her hip is starting to do a bit better. Mind you she hasn't left the house in since last Friday. Last Thursday she was sitting on the front step for about 4 hours that evening and came to bed around midnight complaining she was itchy. Half asleep as i was I had said it was just bug bites. Two hours later she's up looking for calamine lotion to help with the itching.

Friday morning I look her over and she has hives covering about 15-20% of her body. We went to the drug store and pick up some antihistamine. It worked a little but by 4:00pm she was in worse shape. Off to the hospital.

She was triaged, registered and admitted pretty quickly. Logan and I weren't allowed in to see the doctor with her. By 6:00 we were on our way home. She was told it was erythema multiforme. There's no definitive cause for it but dozens of potential possibilities. They prescribed Prednisone, a corticosteroid, which has helped reduce the the rash/hives but doesn't really help with the itching. The reason she hasn't left the house is because the SUN can cause a flare up.

Here's her arm between flare ups:






Me? Still looking for work. I'll be taking a buttload of online course staring within the next week or so to add to my resume. Hopefully that helps.

Health wise I've been in the yuck. For most of May the temps have been nice and warm. May long weekend they dropped all across Canada, some places even had snow, and I ended up with a sinus cold which seems to have moved into my lungs a bit. For the last week I've been unable to breath and have been coughing up that lovely greenish goo. Oh well. That's Spring for you.

Now I just need to save a bit of cash, find a ride and go play some paintball....

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One more week....

7 days from today I turn 38. 6 days from no Logan turns 9 and in 5 he has his party.

We've both gotten a couple of early birthday gifts.

I got a new Proto Switch FS paintball mask! Add to that I got an awesome CCI Phantom for Christmas I can't wait for the local field to open up so I can go play!


Logan got a remote controlled mini helicopter from his grandma and swim suit & swim lessons from his great grandma. Carrie and I got him a new bike. we would have liked to give it to him ON his birthday but since my mom was in town last week and isn't sure she'll be able to get here next week.... and she has a vehicle for us to transport the bike.... Well, he got it a bit early.





I'm hoping to get some books (The Art Of Japanese Swordsmanship: A Manual Of Eishin-Ryu Iaido
The Art of War
Training The Samurai Mind: A Bushido Sourcebook ) or a few other paintball odds and ends.

Logan still wants more Nerf guns and probably some more Wii games.

In local news... the wading pool at the park down the street has been closed for years. Over the last 3 years there have been rumors it's going to be turned into a splash pad.

The rumor seems to be partially true at least. Friday a backhoe arrived and began digging. From what I saw they replaced a pipe and that was it. The backhoe hasn't moved since.
Everyone is hoping the pad does open this year. We've got 2 schools in the neighborhood and lots of kids that would love it. The next closest pad is a 15 minute city bus ride... I hate being on a bus with a soaked kid.

Medicine sucks.

For as long as I can remember I've had sinus issues. Basically I grew up having "Day time nostril and a night time nostril", I was only able to breath through one side of my sinus. I always thought that was normal.

About 4 years ago I had a nasty sinus cold and haven't been the same since. During the day I'm lucky if I have 30% airflow at all and at night my sinus are totally shut down. I have wicked morning breath, post nasal drip, pressure and even sore teeth. My dentist agreed with my mother that it sounds like sinusitis. So I made an appointment with my doctor to find out for sure.

Today the doctor checked me over and said my breathing is clear and my throat looks good. She suggested I start using my nasal allergy spray daily as well as a saline nasal spray. It should clear me up in about 3 months. If it doesn't then I need to go back in and she'll set me up for a CT scan of the sinus'. If the sinus' aren't overly swollen it could be polyps in there. JOY!

I also talked to her about prostate issues. No, I don't think I actually have a problem but since both my grandfathers had prostate cancer I just think it's a good idea to check it. I've also had some dribble issues for the last year too. Unfortunately(fortunately?) she doesn't do the finger up the ass test right away. She said her fingers are too short to reach to the top of the prostate shoe she recommends a PSA test.

The prostate-specific antigen (PSA) test is a blood test that checks the level of a certain antigen. Elevated levels don't always mean cancer, it can indicate prostatitis (inflammation of the prostate) and benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) (enlargement of the prostate). If the PSA comes back with elevated levels then she'll put the glove on... The PSA is a $30.00 test but it's free to get a finger up the bum? For some reason that seems backwards.

What's been going on?

Not a lot. As I said earlier I got my awesome black and pink Phantom and I'm waiting for spring to play with it.

Just before Christmas we finally managed to get into a local doctor's office and she's taking us on as patients. That will make it a lot easier than traveling to and from Belleville. Dr. Daneshmend is within walking distance of us and also has a patients only after hours clinic.

I've made my first appointment with her too. February 2 I go in to talk to her about me having sinusitis and to get a prostate check. Yeah, it's not something anyone really wants to hear about but too bad for you. For me it's a growing concern. I'm going to be 38 in 50 days, 40 is creeping up on me... Add to that both of my grandfathers suffered prostate cancer and only one beat it.

Aside from that my health is pretty good. The cold weather is stiffening my back up and having to shovel the driveway doesn't help, but that has to get done by someone.

Carrie still has whatever her flu/cold is. She's kind of moved downstairs into their extra bedroom. She's up most of the night coughing and doesn't want to disturb Logan and I. It's nice of her but the bedroom is kind of lonely. The cold is also playing hell on her back. Thankfully spring isn't too far away.

Logan is in good health as well. The cold is affecting his asthma a little. Nothing to worry about but he's clearing his throat a lot and has an occasional cough. His puffers are helping. His schooling is doing better. He's getting his homework done like he's supposed to, no notes are coming home about him goofing off in class.

Taz is great. He lost the last of his puppy teeth the other day. He's just a goofy puppy.



50 days until mine and Logan's birthdays.... He'll be 9 and I'll be 38.
What do i want for my birthday?
Well, I need new computer speakers.

A new paintball mask would be great, Proto Axis (red) or VForce Grillz (red) would be awesome, Vforce Pro-vantage would be great too.

My one and only big ticket item would be the SG-1 Prescription Goggle.

They don't look like much but check them out: SG-1 Goggles

$299 US for the frames, a clear lens and a gray lens. You can wear them with only the strap or it can be removed and worn with arms. The lenses are ballistic grade too. I've thought about getting the transitional lenses too but that boosts the cost up to $350, so does getting gray polarized... Sigh.

Logan is in need of a new bike this year. He's just too big for his old one. He needs a new helmet to go with it. He'd also like the Guitar Hero drum set and mic. GAH!

He loves his Nerf Dart guns he got for Christmas and wants a few more of them. At least those move him towards paintball LOL!

I got it!

I went out to get the package today. The bus was running late because the roads are crappily plowed. On the plus side it was only a 5 minute wait for the bus to get back home.


Opening the box!

Beautiful body!

Beginning to assemble!

Adding the Barrel!

Me and my new black pink dust anodized CCI Phantom!

Close up of the black pink dust ano. Purty ain't she?

It seems my paintball marker collection is growing!




Here's the letter the guys from the SOPC included:



This gift just blew me away!
Thanks guys!

I'm ready to kill.

I called Shopper's Drugmart Canada Post Outlet again today. The package still isn't there. The guy gave me a phone number to a Canada Post manager, Bob Gallipeau. Before I called him I tried the customer Service line again.

They told me that according to the computer my package is at a different outlet at 100 Clergy St. That would mean it's at the Queen's University outlet. They didn't have a phone number for there. Why, I don't know. It took me 40 minutes of Googleing to find it. According to the lady I spoke to they only handle mail for Queen's. It shouldn't be there and GASP! It wasn't.

Now it's time to call the Manager's number. 18 rings later the answering machine picks up. I leave a message and as of now I'm still waiting for the call to be returned.

I wonder if I can get everyone on the Special Ops forum to join in on a letter writting campaign? I wonder if Canada Post would get the irony of that.

New Years Post #1

January 4, 2009. I guess that means the holidays are over. Good.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no Scrooge, I don't hate the Holidays. I just hate the stupidity that it generates. I guess the stupid never stops but at least it's less intense now.

Initially for Christmas gifts:
I got:
Prince of Persia: Rival Swords for the Wii
2 t-shirts
some 12g cartridges (The one from Legato hasn't arrived yet. I'm guess Tuesday next week)
Precision screwdriver set
Coffee cup with chocolates
Punisher style belt buckle
Monopoly: Star Wars Edition
new boot laces

Carrie got:
CSI game for the Wii
2 different dolphin ornaments
matching toque, mitts & scarf
Jewellry box
Sudoku book
Slippers

Logan got:
12 pair of underwear
2 shirts
2 pair of pants
mini skateboard
Pixar Cars Megablocks
mini sled
Iron man digital still camera
Digital video camera
Spongebob Squarepants electronic Yahtzee
Scrabble
Wheel of Fortune: Simpsons edition
a Bionicle
Guitar Hero World Tour
5 other Wii games
Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D
Batman Hotwheels track
some Bakugan things
4 Pez dispensers.

Carrie and I also got a new coffee maker and on Dec 29 I received a package containing a Sterling STP paintball pump marker.

On Dec 30 my mother and grandmother stopped in to bring their presents for Logan. A hotwheels type race track, some Wii games and some Nerf guns. Grandma took us out for lunch that day and I missed the mail man. It seems another package arrived for me. Totally unexpected.

According to the notice that was left I could pick the package up after 5pm the same day. Due to other things going on that didn't happen. The next day (Jan 31) I went in only to in out it wasn't supposed to be there until after 1 pm.It sucked but I still had to go and get some dog food anyway. Since it was stupid cold out I called before going back. It turns out my package was missing, "Try after 5pm."

5pm: still missing.

Thursday... I called not expecting much because it was a holiday. I was given the number for Canada Post's Customer Service line. Fat lot of help that was.

Called again on Friday and still nothing.

Today... Still nothing but if it were in transit like the customer service guy said it should be in on Monday, after 1 pm. I think I'll wait until after 5 just to be safe.

I'm at a point of annoyance where going down there and causing damage sounds like a good idea.....

At least i still have my new marker to play with!

Up and running!

I started working on this today at 10:00 am. I started by disconcerting the power, opening the case, pulling out the DVD drive and the hard drive bays, connecting the C: and DVD drives to the motherboard and powering up the computer.

Windows began to install and asked me if I wanted to delete the partitions but wouldn't let me. so I continued the install. It too about an hour & seemed to go fine so I put the hardware back the way it was, rebooted and got an error. Did some research on it and found I STILL had the virus. GAH! So I installed a virus scanner, found and removed the problem and rebooted.... Same error.

Thankfully the site that ID the virus had instruction on how to manually remove it. I followed the instructions, rebooted and thought I was good. Nope. killing the virus messed up the install... So back to square one.

5 hours of install, resetting hardware and lots of waiting later I'm back in business.

Now I just have a few more hours of locating and installing drivers, browser add-ons, music and photo programs.......

Stupid damned virus!

Yeah, my computer is down due to a freaking virus.

Our friend Will videoed our wedding and sent the DVD to us. Last week Carrie decided she wanted to put it on her Facebook. The only program I have to convert it didn't seem to want to work right so I began looking for something else. I found a program, downloaded and scanned it for viruses. It came up as clean so I installed it.....

17 trojans later I can't load windows because the XP Data Execution Protection kicks in and stops Windows Explorer from loading.... Now I'm having to do a reformat/reinstall.

The problem with that is I only have one IDE connector on my motherboard for the hard drives. My DVD drive is connected through an Ultra 133 controller card in a PCI slot. WinXP install doesn't like that.

So i called a computer place to see how much, $74.99. It includes a hardware diag too. Talking to the tech though I found out that I can connect the C: and the DVD to the same IDE cable. It'll be slower than if they were on separate channels but it should allow me to install. I'll be trying that tomorrow. If it doesn't work I'll have to take it in. Sigh. Merry freaking Christmas.

Craptacular...

Last month Carrie's parents went to the doctor to get a colon cancer test done. A few weeks ago her dad got a letter back saying he was fine, her mom didn't. At first it was thought that the mail was just messed up and she'd get it a day or two later. Instead she got a call from the doctor setting up another appointment, for today.

A short while ago Carrie's mother called. She's got colon cancer. More tests are needed to determine how far along it is but they have to be put on hold until her hemorrhoids are healed up so they can do the colonoscopy, about a month from now.

We don't know how bad it really is but we do know it's bad enough that she has passed out trying to use the washroom. What a great thing to find out a little more than a month before Christmas.

Happy Birthday! I'm having a heart attack!

November 6 was my grandmother's 87th birthday. She's the oldest and only surviving grandparent I have.

Also on Nov. 6 Carrie had some major anxiety attacks. All three were accompanied with chest pains. After the third one she was in enough pain and scared enough to go to the hospital.

They hooked her up to the ECG machine and found that, yes, a heart attack had started but because she managed to calm down enough it didn't go into a full blown one. They also prescribed her Lorazepam to take during an anxiety attack.

Obviously this is something we'll need to keep an eye on and hope it doesn't get worse.

Add to that, that Logan's school called for us to go get him. One of the other kids wanted to demonstrate a karate move, Logan ended up with a knee in the face and a bloody nose.

On the plus side (sarcasm)... Our Christmas tree (Can I say that anymore? Is it called a Holiday Tree now? Do I need to switch it from a pine to palm?)is up and mostly decorated. Still have to put the ornaments on but the garland and lights are up. I think, aside from the stores, we're the first to put it up.

I guess that means it's that time of year where we have forgo tradition and become obscenely politically correct and begin elbowing the elderly in the face as we scramble to buy the affections of friends and family.

My opinion on this?

Happy Christmaween!

Yeah. It's that time of year again. Pumpkins are barely carved and pine trees are decorated in the bigger stores. It sucks.

Last week Logan and Carrie wanted to carve their pumpkins. I told them it's best to wait until a day or two before Halloween. But they insisted.

So we looked on line for stencils and found some we liked. Carrie and Logan picked something fairly simple. I went more complicated. It took me 4 hours to carve it using a precision screw driver...

Logan's, mine, Carrie's

Logan's

Mine

Carrie's

Now all three of them are sitting outside, wilting. They seem to be sprouting white cob webby mold too. I guess that means no pumpkin pie....

I suppose I could buy a new pumpkin and carve something else out but I don't know if I can muster the energy for that. Why? I'm getting over Viral Bronchitis. Carrie's just starting her run with it and I'm hoping I won't get it again.

Christmas is now only 57 days away. I guess I need to get moving on the shopping. I hate buying Christmas, beating people out of the way so I can try and do some shopping.

What's small, furry, spins around and chews everything?

Taz!
Taz sleeping in his food dish.

Obviously he's not the WB Taz:


but he does run around, has a mouth full of sharp teeth and is certainly a devil!
We got him Wed. night around 8:30 pm. Carrie was asked by friends what she wanted for her birthday next month and she gave a short list that included a pooch but wasn't expecting one. However we found an awesome deal on some puppies whose mother is a pure bred husky and the dad is a pure bred black lab. The guy had 9 puppies and no room to keep them all so he needed them gone a.s.a.p..

Taz is learning quickly. He came to us partly paper trained and has had only a couple of misses. He's getting better every day though. He's also gotten used to walking on a leash, though he still hasn't figured out that cutting me off or walking between my feet is bad but that will come. He definately like to be outside. We take him out back several times a day to try and do his business. So far it's hit and miss on that too. We started with the Sit command and that's coming along too. The basic commands (Sit, stay, down, heel, stay, drop) don't get a treat, just lots of praise but trick commands (shake, roll over, sing, dance, etc) will get both.

For now the worst part of having him is that we have to sleep with our bedroom door open. If it's closed he starts to bark and howl. With it open he'll come in and sleep on my slippers. The down part is that I like to sleep with it as dark as possible. With the door open I hear Logan get up to the bathroom, some of the street light bounces in and down the hall if the front curtains aren't closed, my computer tower is "batman" with glowing eyes and that's enough to keep m awake. Add to that our hamster and degus run in wheels and rattle their cages.... Being a light sleeps sucks but at the same time I an get up and check to see if there have been any midnight poopings and clean them up if needed.

Yesterday he was definately in a playful mood. He decided that his water dish was a pool and jumped in with his front feet.

Looks like it's time to let him outside again!

It's the thought that counts

There are days where you wake up in the morning and say to yourself, "What the fuck am I doing? Nobody gives a damn about me and what I do." Doing volunteer staff work on the paintball forum has more than it's fair share of those kinds of days.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy it. I've met dozens, if not hundreds, of great people. The majority of them seem to get my odd sense of humor and even though they have voted me "Most Evil Forum Staff" four years in a row. But there are still days where I do things quietly and feel like I've been forgotten.

Then there are days where someone posts something like this. The fact that someone would take the time to find and post it is great. The fact that someone suggested pooling money to get me a custom Pez totally rocks!

I don't expect to actually have a bunch of people who have never met me actually do it but it's the thought that counts. And it certainly made my day.

The Wedding is done!

So, it's over and done with. We is hitched!

The weather was a bit more humid than we would have liked but over all it was perfect. Mostly sunny, nice breeze and the ground was dry and firm.

Groom, ring bearer and Best Man

The ceremony begins!

She gets her ring...

and I get mine!

First married kiss!

It was quiet and simple. 14 people involved. After the ceremony we went to Belleville for the photo shoot. My brother-in-law Steve is a semi-pro photographer and did our pictures as a wedding gift. Hopefully we'll see them soon.

Carries teacher, Marilyn Rankin, was able to make it. I think that was one of the big surprises for Carrie.

Marilyn and Carrie

Will "Slinkyaroo" Ludlow, one of the guys I know from the paintball forum, made it. A pleasant surprise for both Carrie and I. I was a bit concerned he would miss the wedding due to when he finished work and when we were going to start.

My biggest surprise was that my friend from WAAAAAY back in grade 4 made it. John and I met in Nova Scotia and now he lives in Ottawa. He had told me a few weeks before that he and his family should be back from vacation in time but may not be able to make it because of sitters and his wife getting ready to start teaching. The night before the wedding he calls and tells me he'll be there. 5 minutes before Carrie arrives I see him hop out of his truck.

John and I.



The married couple.


The wedding party.


Being a little silly


Groom and Best Man


My mother and the Bride goofing around.

Dinner was kind of a mixed blessing. Logan hadn't slept properly the night before and was starting to get very cranky. We all told him it was fine if he had a nap at the restaurant but he refused. Everyone did their best to be patient with the little guy but after a couple of hours it does grate on the nerves. Jim, my step dad, took Logan back to my parents place and put him to bed. It turns out Logan didn't want us to be upset with him for missing his special dance with his mom. What a little sweetheart. We also had a visit from an elderly lady. She and her husband were there celebrating their 65th anniversary! Supposedly that's a sign of good luck.

After dinner it was back to my parents for cake and a bit of dancing.

Yeah... I still have icing in my nose.

Sunday morning we left on our Honeymoon.

We made it!

On the Maid of the Mist.

Champagne toast in our heart shaped jacuzzi.

Smooch!

Moving and the Montauk Monster.

Today was supposed to be moving day. Most of our stuff is packed and ready to haul to the main floor apartment and has been for a while. A couple of days ago the landlord called saying there would be a delay in us getting up there.

Great... I'd already put in a request for moving our phone, cable and internet in. It was to be disconnected Aug 1 and because Monday is a Civic holiday not connected until Aug 5. Since the landlord didn't tell me why there was a delay or how long of one I canceled the move order.

This morning Carrie gets a hold of the landlord. They will be in sometime this afternoon to inspect the apartment and change the locks. We should be able to start moving in late afternoon/early evening, Saturday at the latest. Now I need to put a move order back in....

They can't give me the original date now. August 13 is the earliest a tech can be here. We can't be without a phone for that long. We've got cell phones but I prefer a land line, especially with all our family being out of town. Thankfully no-one will be moving into the basement apartment for a few months as the landlords want to do some repairs. We'll just have to keep the basement door open so we can hear the phone but our services won't be disconnected until August 12.

Now for the monster....

Original story

That "thing" washed up on a beach in Long Island NY some sources say it was a week ago, others claim back in April.

Nobody seems to know what it is. the most popular theories are hoax/viral advert for a movie or a decomposing dog/pig/raccoon. Looking at that photo it's hard to believe it's a commonly known species. It's got a tail, webbed looking feet, no apparent ears, a beak and teeth. Very weird animal.

I posted it up on the Special Ops forum and we've been having fun trying to figure out what it could be: Movie prop, photoshopped image, something from the deep, a mutant?

While I believe that there are creatures out there we haven't seen before an knowing that odd mammals do exist (platypus anyone?) it's not too much of a stretch to think it is a real beast. Some news reports say 20 or more people saw it in person and some guy grabbed it to mount on his wall, so being a fake photo is out. The pic doesn't look real enough, realistic yes, but not quite real. So I tend to lean towards the movie prop idea.

Earlier today one of the forum members posted a link to another story and a new pic of the creature.
New photo story

Looking at that I'm more inclined to believe it's a dog that's decomposed a bit in the water.

It was more fun to look at the original picture and guess. Damned news people.... Such spoilsports.

No stress what so ever....

So. Back in June there was an issue with the 2nd floor neighbor. The cops were called and the neighbor gave notice shortly there after.

We made some calls and arranged so we could move in up stairs.

The money has changed hands and we were looking forward to moving on Friday, August 1 and having everything settled before the wedding on the 23rd. We were hoping to start moving in a few days before the end of the month but were expecting the former neighbor to piss around and make us wait until the last minute.

Today the landlord calls and says there may be a delay in us moving in. She didn't specify but hinted that the former tenant might not have all their crap moved out. It could be a day or two before we can move in. Not really a big deal since our apartment isn't being rented for a few months, we can stay put.

Half an hour later she calls back. It seems that the former tenant has been telling the landlord that charges had been laid over the June incident. This is the first I'd heard about. Did I want to press charges? Hell yeah. Probably could have dinged her with trespassing and assault but would it have really been worth it? Probably not. I then spent half an hour on the phone with the police trying to find out what the hell is going on. Suffice it to say no charges were laid against ANYONE.

Hopefully the move is sorted out tomorrow and we can move on Friday. If not I guess we'll be staying put for a few days.

Dental Visit

Yesterday Carrie had a dental visit to finish her cleaning. On the way out I decided that since the wedding is getting closer I should get my cleaning done soon and booked an appointment. I was expecting to have to wait a week but they had an opening this morning.

I get to the dentist office about 15 minutes early and go in. The hygienist Takes a quick peek in my mouth and asks the usual questions. She then hands a cup with some liquid in it.

"We're going to do an oral cancer screening. The rinse needs to be swished around for 45 seconds and it's doesn't taste good."

I was expecting it to be some awful pseudo flavor like chocolate or banana milkshake... Was I ever wrong. 45 seconds seemed like forever and I was trying not to gag. I spit and comment that it's very disgusting and it tasted like strawberry flavored vinegar. "Close. It's raspberry flavored vinegar." BLECH!!!

After that I laid back and she poked around my mouth with a blue light looking for potential cancer indicators. Thankfully it came up clean. As far as I can tell it was something like this: http://www.vizilite.com/

Overall the cleaning went well, considering my last one was 2 years ago. They found one cavity and I was able to get an appointment this morning as well.

I now have nice shiny teeth for the wedding!

Thoughts of Suicide

Dunno where this came from but it needed to get out.

I'm alone in the dark, staring at the fragments of light. Five, no, four white dots so far away I can just barely see them. Are they stars? Maybe it's the last remnants of my soul fading away.

It seems like years since I counted out the codeine pills and checked on line to see if I had enough. I must have otherwise I wouldn't have taken them all. I think I can feel the pill bottle still in my hand. I don't know though, maybe I don't have hands maybe I never did.

Three fragments left.

I know I'm still breathing but just barely. I can't tell if I can hear it or feel it, probably a bit of both. I don't really care though. I think it hurts but I'm not too sure. It's shallow and ragged like a child that's been crying over it's dead dog.

Two lights left. I think I should be afraid but I'm not. My tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth and I think I shit myself. I still can't feel my hands and feet but I can feel my guts churning and the powdery leftovers of having chewed the pills. I think I'm crying. Maybe I vomited. It's hard to tell, all I feel is wet on my face.

One left.

How long is it between the lights going out? I don't know and I'm not really worried. Time seems to have lost all meaning. It's getting hard to think, to remember. All I can do is wonder. Was this the smart thing to do? Would slitting my wrist have been better? Could I have gotten a gun? Is there a really a god and an after life? how long before the last light....