Suicidal

Holy hell. Look at all the dust around here.

Depression is a brutal thing to have. Even though I'm medicated it still makes it hard to keep up with a lot of stuff. I lose interest in things. Add in having to deal with other people's problems... I just don't give a shit about life in general.

It's 0304 as I type this. I want to sleep because I work in 10 hours but I can't. My fucking brain won't shut down. I can't get comfortable in bed. Made tbe bed twice but still feel like I am tangled in the sheets. My pillow is too soft and too hard. And the noise levels have no balance.

A few months ago I went through a very dark week. Suicidal dark. Most people can't imagine what it's like. I spent a lot of time researching ways to kill myself. What over the counter drugs would work and how much I'd have to take, fatality rates, survivability, how long it takes to kill.... Fun stuff. I decided on hanging. Did some research on ropes and local bridges to hang from.

The entire time I was still taking my meds. I still haven't figured out what triggered it or what snapped me out of it.

I know that I will never be happy, but right now I'm not in a dark place and that is good enough.